Wednesday, May 17, 2006

So, Finally What Did Happen...

The night before the events that I'm about to describe occured, we observed this moon over the treetops of our neighborhood. No one there had seen a moon just like it before, not at that time of year. We were cooking out and drinking. Every so often someone would say that he or she heard something or some animal crunching through the woods behind the house. I heard it too now and then but figured it was a deer or armadillo and left it at that, and continued to tip my cups. It turned out to be a fun cookout despite the fact that the moon never left that spot in the sky. The moon never traveled. I noticed but didn't mention it to anyone else. I didn't want to party to end.

The next morning I went into the forest to see if I could find a hint as to what it was that was marching around during our cookout. I didn't find any tracks, but I did come across this un-natural pairing of a pine tree and an oak. They were intertwined from the roots to the limbs. It was strange because, where normally one tree would force out the other for resources, these trees seemed to gain strength from each other. In many places it was difficult to know where one tree would begin and the other end, as if the very fibers of the bark had come together somehow.

I heard this rustling noise to my left and when I turned to look I saw a small evergreen shake and suddenly appear to grow arms. It started to move toward me and said in a very big voice, "Believe it or not, you're under my spell, and until you're released, you'll do as I tell."

Obviously I turned to run without even a thought, but I tripped on a bramble and fell. The tree had made chase and was nearly on top of me when I turned my head. I rolled over to face it, but crawling backwards all the time.

Then this creature jumped out from behind the tree and hopped right onto my chest. He was about two feet tall and light as a feather. He grabbed me by both ears and kissed me on the mouth, which is the only reason I didn't scream.

He did a back flip off my chest and landed on both feet right into a deep bow with a flourish. He spoke in Old English, which luckily I had studied in school, and said (translated), "You've come across some old mates of mine, the ones that I did intertwine. Lovers they were and lovers they are; thankful they be to their lucky star."

I remained on the ground gasping, but over his shoulder I looked toward the two trees intertwined. His bright eyes, locked on mine, saw clearly what I did and he said, "Aye, they be the two, the two without eyes; but they see more than you do whether dark or clear skies."

I took a breath as if to speak, but he put a finger to his lips, grabbed me by the hand and (how shall I describe it?), he dove into the ground, right through the leaf litter and the dark mulchy earth, with me in his grasp. The ground broke before us like water until we reached a kind of cavity. We fell through and landed hard on hard ground, on our feet. I looked up and saw these gates, these luminescent gates that opened into what I hoped to never know. The creature leapt to my shoulder and whispered in my ear, "Oh, now that's where you'll go, believe me I'm sho'; I've done this befo', so down we shall throw." And so through the gates we went; him one way, me another.

The first thing I saw was all these people worshipping a giant fish. They chanted, "Ooom a stasa, Ooom a stasa, Wasa Stasa, Ooom a stasa" over and over again, and so caught up in the groove that they failed to notice the great hook that would descend and lift them one by one into the tank to be immediately swallowed up by the fish. In the brief moments before the fish would swoop in, the chanting would grow louder and more intense, and then the person would be eaten and the chanting would quieten down again. The whole time the little creature watched my eyes intently. Finally he motioned with his hand that I should take a seat and enjoy the show, but I reeled in horror.

The huge fish lunged in and swallowed up a little child, a girl, and I began to beg the imp to take me away, to take me home, or anywhere else. I was crying and scared. The beast laughed a big laugh and jumped right up on top of my head and shouted, "Sum Tally Tally Poppa! Yum Umma Umma Drop!" Instantly we were transported.

I entered a strange world where children weren't born, but fell from the sky...

where giants would chase you down and force you to listen to their string duets...

where the Incredible Hulk ran a gallery and was a famous aesthete...

...where you would never get by without your tommygun.

And suddenly I was falling, falling. Everything went black, but the sensation of falling never left me. I was falling backwards, not tumbling and I began to find the sensation comforting...

...until I woke up in the bathroom of a working class rock and roll club, asleep under the urinals, covered in piss, with something colorful dribbling from my mouth. I stumbled out into the bar. The moment I was seen everyone began to applaude and smile at me, but no one would touch me. The bartender wouldn't serve me, so I headed for the door.

Just as I put my hand on the handle to go out I heard a voice behind me say, "For all ye been through, ye deserve to see, not both but just only one tit-tee. A journey it's been, but with a mouthful of bile, I recommend you go home and sleep for a while." And so I did. I never did see that little guy again, but if I ever do, I'm going to blow his head clean off, because I'm never going back into those or any other woods again without a shotgun. Oh, and I chopped those fucking trees down.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Interesting Post

It has been an interesting morning. I can't really go into it right now, but believe me, if I were to tell you about what's been going on this morning, you would be very, very interested. Let me put it this way: Your jaw would drop to the floor. That's how interesting you would find the events I've lived through today already.

Harrowing doesn't even start describing this day. Blood curdling is more like it. Like when you're watching one of those medical dramas on TV, like ER, and the swinging doors to the emergency room suddenly bang open and a woman pushing a gurney flies through real fast, shouting instructions like, "I need 50 cc's of pentathol and a nitrogen drip. Now Dammit!" OK, if you look on the faces of all the other people standing around in different shades of medical clothing just before they start to dart off and follow the woman pushing the gurney's instructions... That's what your face would look like if I were to tell you about my morning so far.