Thursday, June 29, 2006

Celestial Beings

God: Jealous and quick to anger. Passive aggressive. Likes to watch people suffer and become philosophical about it. Sends his children to do his dirty work and thinks its funny that this is widely considered virtuous and self-sacrificing. Known to kill on a grand scale. Thinks it’s funny to balance eternal souls on an impossible, endless enigma.
Hobbies include being vengeful and jealous, laughing at people doing odd things when they think they are alone, and working in the shop making incredibly life-like carvings of bizarre, impossible creatures to leave laying around on Earth for the inquisitive to discover and fight about.
Snickers whenever the phrase “All the World’s a Stage” is uttered.
Beer drinker, likes pills.

Satan: God’s wife. Thinks she got screwed in the divorce. The real talent in the family. God never gets her jokes, usually gets mad and claims she’s mocking him which she finds very funny.
Prefers the fashion of the Fifties. Invented the term “Nuclear Family”. Good friends with Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis and thinks Aristotle Onassis is hot. Likes powerful men.
Hobbies include being ironic, writing pop songs, and meddling with the subconscious.
Likes to shave her pubic hair into the goateed, horned, male image of the devil and make it wink at whatever young man is going down on her in whatever alley behind whatever bar.
Wine drinker, likes marijuana.

Jesus: Only Son. A disappointment.
Gentle and unassuming and often requires a Fatherly bail-out. Attention seeking. Will starve himself in the desert if things aren’t going his way even though his mother would give him the world if only he’d eat a little from time to time.
Has trouble negotiating the balance between his mother wanting him to simply give girls a chance, “Just in case this messiah scheme of your Father’s turns out like all his other cockamamie ideas” and his father pressuring him to smite and cast down people who pick on him.
Hobbies include, you know, just hanging around.

As we look in on these celestial beings, Satan has called God up to discuss Jesus' behavior on earth:

Satan: "I'm just worried about him. He's fucking up. I don't know what to do, I'm at my wit's end."

God: "Well, what's he doing?"

S: "Nothing. He's down there telling people to be nice to each other. That's it. That's all I get for my investment. It's not right."

G: "Give him time. I was just speaking with him the other day. He’ll come around. Believe me, these people won't know what hit them."

S: "Yeah, OK. I hope you're right. Anyway, want to hear a joke?"

G: "Not really, but go ahead."

S: "All right, here goes: How many of You does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

G: "How many of Me does it take to— I don't know, how many?"

S: "Ha! Ha! That's funny."

G: "What? Wait. Is that it? Is that the joke?"

S: "Yeah. Hee hee."

G: "I don't get it. That's it? What? I don't get it."

S: "Ho ho! It just gets better and better."

G: "What, goddamit, what? Dammit Lucrecia, you’re doing it again."

S: “You just have no idea."